Honesty Will Wreck the Point of Safety
by MadRhapsody
Summary: "It was never about love, not for him. That's what he told himself, anyway." Warnings: Mentions of sex, but nothing explicit. Somewhat Canon, but also very AU. Starts from "Asylum of the Daleks" and leads through to Eleven's regeneration in "The Time of the Doctor"


Author's note: I don't know how I feel about this one, but I'm posting it anyway. All your feedback is always appreciated. Please review.  
>All errors are my own.<p>

Warnings: Mentions of sex, but nothing explicit.

Somewhat Canon, but also very AU.

Italics are quoted/paraphrased from the show and from the minisode, "She Said, He Said."  
>Disclaimer: No, I don't own anything. Just borrowing these wonderful characters.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>I.<strong>

It was never about love, not for him. That's what he told himself, anyway. Of course it was about love. He loved the mystery. The mystery was alluring and it seduced him. He had knowledge of nearly everything, he was a genius. But everything about Clara Oswald stumped him.

**II.**

Initially, while meeting Oswin, he figured she was just another lost human, one he couldn't save. The Doctor couldn't always save everyone, it was devastating for a moment but time kept moving, and he would always come across more people that he could save. Every life he saved was a victory. He had a duty to protect.

**III.**

He couldn't protect Clara Oswin. She was magnetic and he was drawn to her in an instant, wanted her to come away with him. Her curiosity intrigues him. Her persistence and lack of fear was something he found amazing. The Doctor didn't hand a key to his TARDIS to just anyone but she was special, she was the one. She filled that void that was left by the Weeping Angels when they stole Amy and Rory away from him.

But then she was taken from him and once again, he had to suffer a loss.

Those words, the hopeful words that kept him moving –_ Run you clever boy and remember_.

They let him know it wasn't the end, not yet.  
><strong><br>IV.**

After being in the Victorian era and meeting Clara Oswin, he didn't think it was possible for him to be anymore captivated by another human but that was exactly was Clara Oswald did. She threw him off his game, she didn't seem to take him seriously when he asked her to travel with him. All of time and space right at their fingertips and she laughed in his face.

_Does this work? Is this actually what you do? Do you just crook your finger and people just jump in your snog box and fly away?_

Well, yes, yes it is what he does.

_Come back tomorrow. Ask me again. 'Cause tomorrow I might say yes._

She had him at that point. He was so utterly and completely reeled in by her. In other words, she had him by the balls and he was all to willing.

**V.**

_From the beginning she was impossible. The impossible girl. I met her in the Dalek asylum, never saw her face, and she died. I met her again in Victorian London and she died. Saved my life both times by giving her own. But now she's back and we're running together and she's perfect. Perfect in every way for me. Except she can't remember that we ever met. Clara. My Clara. Always brave, always funny, always exactly what I need. Perfect. Too perfect._

**VI.**

Trenzalore revealed it all. It shattered the mystery.

She saved his life over and over again. He was her victory. He wished he didn't see it that way, but he did. Clara wasn't invincible. She died time and time again throughout centuries of the Doctor's life. Until she didn't. She didn't die and she should have and for that one time, she let him save her. He could have died doing so, but he didn't either. They were impossible together. His impossible girl and her Doctor. They were each others.

He always had limits between himself and companions but Clara crossed those lines, those carefully laid out boundaries. It happened before he even realized it.

**VII.**

When they first slept together, it wasn't planned. The moments leading to their embrace weren't romantic. She'd been screaming. Nightmares had overtaken her nightly rest. Dreams of dying. Dreams of never meeting the Doctor, dreams of him dying. They were terrible and horrific and the imaged burnt themselves into her mind. He sat atop her bed one night, propped up against the headboard. She sunk into his side and held onto him as if her life depended on it, and maybe it did but he felt the same way. She was scared and he hated himself a little bit for ever seeking her out. This woman that had a normal life. She was maternal, caring, and the type of person anyone should have in their life. He had her. He whispered sweet nothings to her. Told her she was fine, safe, that he would protect her no matter what the cost. That they were both alive

Clara knew it was the truth in that moment and kissed him to quiet him. To signal that she understood and she indeed needed him, thought she wouldn't ever admit it before that moment. That night changed everything and they took their time with each other, slowly and gently. Both coming over the edge and holding each other throughout the night.

**VIII.**

It was love. He admitted it to himself but not to her.

They took time apart. He went on solo adventures and she moved into her own place and became a teacher. The time away gave her the rest she needed and the time to herself to try and forget the events of Trenzalore. She counted on seeing the Doctor soon, but establishing a life for herself was important.

But he was always on her mind. Love was an ever present feeling she felt when his ridiculous chin, silly bow tie, and boyish actions drifted around in her head.

He sent a message for her one day while she was teaching at her school, the electric joy she felt in her heart was something new to her. They met with an embrace and a few kisses, small talk, and then a journey began.

They were closer than ever before but this adventure had taken it's toll on him. He was surrounded by two of his past selves. Three Doctors and he forgot who he was somewhere along the way. Clara had to remind him.

_Be a Doctor_.

She knew, she always knew. They were too close. No one knew him as much as she did.

**IX**.

_This is the Doctor, my boyfriend_.

He was, they established it somewhere between saving Gallifrey in a pocket universe and Christmas dinner with the Oswalds. Aspects about his life were becoming so very human. He appeared to be in his late twenties, a few years older than Clara and her family accepted him as so. No need to tell them that he's actually a thousand year old alien from a planet that no longer exists. No need to tell them that he's a time traveler and that Clara journeys with him all over space and time. But he'd never been introduced as a real boyfriend, he'd never done the whole meeting the family thing. It had been different with River and the Ponds.

His relationship with Clara took time and it was unexpected, it was frightening. She evoked interesting feelings within him. Some domestic tendencies, staying her flat. Actually sleeping, cooking. Nothing that he did often.

**X**.

Trenzalore wasn't something that could have been avoided. They knew from the first time they ended up there, that it would come again.

That crack in the wall – a split in time, it was dangerous and he couldn't let his Clara get involved. He didn't want her by his side this time. Not if it met her life was at risk. It had been risked too many times. Lives she'd lived had been lost too many times. If something were to happen to her this time, it would certainly be the end.

The Doctor was an old, selfish man. Extremely foolish. A liar. Those horrible things about him didn't matter in that moment.

His silence was a vow. The Time Lords couldn't come back, the time war couldn't begin again.

He had to send her away. Trick her. It killed him, broke one of his hearts. Maybe both. He would never understand how humans lived with just one heart.

**XI**.

Clara was furious. She wanted to hate him.

He hated himself. The situation brought back feelings of when his dear best friend Amelia Pond told him she hated him. He'd given her hope and taken it away so many times. She'd grown old and him and Rory had been the same as ever. Time could be rewritten, that was repaired.

She couldn't hate him.

He lived without her for 300 years. It had only been a few hours for her, stuck in the time vortex. He had aged, his skin was rough and the years were worn on his face. She thought he could live forever. He needed to live forever even if she couldn't, being the human she was. He was the savior of worlds. Had to be. This couldn't be the end. But he sent her away again.

**XII.**

He was even older this time. Aged another 300 years. Her love wouldn't fade even if his did.

The time had come. He was dying of old age and he couldn't regenerate. The Daleks were attacking now and he wouldn't let Clara follow him.

_I'll be keeping you safe. One last victory. Allow me that, give me that. My impossible girl, thank you, and goodbye._

She wouldn't let it end that way.

**XIII**.

She stood facing the glowing crack in the wall, the rip in time. The Doctor wouldn't die this way and she wouldn't let his race be the cause of it.

_Help him. Help him change the future, do it! Do something. _

_You've been asking a question and it's time someone told you, you've been getting it wrong. His name. His name is the Doctor. All the name he needs, everything you need to know about him. And if you love him, and you should, help him. Help him._

**XIV.**

Clothes strewn across the TARDIS, a bowl of fish fingers doused in custard upon on the console and the Doctor nowhere to be found. Clara's heart stalled for a moment before she heard those familiar footsteps. She started toward him, but stopped herself as her eyes finally focused on his face and she took in his demeanor. He looked like he was in pain and she realized that dying of old age wouldn't be the end. But him, her Doctor, this face – that was an end that was only moments away.

He stood still, far from her. He still had to keep her safe and he would be regenerating soon.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Clara," he murmured, his voice pained and not very loud.

She ran toward him as a gold light came from his hands.

"No, no. Please don't change."

He moved a little further away from her, but still held his hand out. A sign that he wanted to hold her and never let go and she extended her hand as well.

Regeneration always hurt, but even through the pain, he smiled a genuine smile at her. And those big sad eyes showed of nothing but love in that moment.

Then like that, he was gone.


End file.
